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Is my relationship healthy?

One of the most common questions that can arise in therapy is “is my relationship healthy”? We all read posts on social media, using terms like “is your partner a narcissist” or “am I in a coercive controlled relationship” etc. For many of us, we live far away from close family, or perhaps we don’t have many friends we can safely explore this question with. We know that disagreements in relationships happen, they are very normal. However, when you notice that they are becoming more frequent and may even begin to form a pattern, it’s a good idea to stop and ask yourself some questions. People assume that if our partner is not hitting us, then we are not in an abusive situation. However, abuse or coercive control comes in many forms. If something about your relationship doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. 


An abuser may say things like ‘I didn’t mean it’, ‘I was having a bad day’, ‘It only happened once’ in order to justify or excuse their hurtful behaviour. This might make you start doubting whether your concerns about your relationship are valid. 


Another sign of an abusive relationship can be if your behaviour has changed because of how your partner treats you or your children. Maybe you stop challenging their hurtful comments because it leads to a row that upsets everyone? Perpetrators often create justifications for their actions, which they use to place blame on survivors and to take away any responsibility from themselves. 


It is important to remember that our partners alone are responsible for their actions. We all deserve a kind, healthy relationship where you don’t feel trapped or manipulated into behaving in ways that are not comfortable. A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like support, freedom, happiness and consent at the centre. We have shared a link below to an article you may find helpful in exploring these indicators.


Recognizing some of them does not definitely “diagnose” your relationship as a coercive one but it’s helpful to start the discussion, which could lead to further help if needed. 

The first step, however, is reaching out; without fear of stigma or judgement. Reach out to a friend, your doctor, or a trusted community member. We here at the IPC are happy to help. Call Niamh in our Client Services department, in confidence and without judgment, at the Irish Pastoral Centre. Telehealth appointments are offered as well as in-person appointments available on Mondays and Wednesdays 5-8PM. Phone: 617-265-5300 or e-mail: nhealy@ipcboston.org 


 
 
 

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