When the Holidays Hurt: Grief, Tenderness, and the Gift of Slowing Down

As the holidays approach, many of us feel the ache of missing someone who isn’t here anymore. For others, it’s the quiet loneliness of a table that feels too empty, or the strange guilt that comes when moments of laughter meet waves of sadness. Grief doesn’t take a holiday, it moves with us quietly, shaping how we meet the season. 

In my work with grief groups and therapy clients, I often remind people that there is no right way to feel at this time of year. Grief is love in its most tender form, proof of how deeply we have cared. When that love has nowhere to go, it can feel like restlessness, exhaustion, or even numbness. If this sounds familiar, you are not doing it wrong, you are simply human. 

A Trauma-Informed Approach to the Season 

For those living with loss, the sights and sounds of the holidays can stir old memories or bring sudden waves of emotion. This is your body’s way of saying, slow down. Rather than pushing through, try to notice what your body needs, perhaps rest instead of rushing, stillness instead of socializing. You can choose what feels manageable. You can set boundaries with gatherings, conversations, or traditions that no longer fit. 

Ways to Mind Yourself 

• Simplify where you can. Do less, rest more. The world will keep turning. 

• Create small rituals. Light a candle, play a favorite song, or write your loved one’s name on a card for your tree or table. Rituals remind us that love continues. Make space for mixed feelings. You can laugh and cry in the same breath. You can hold gratitude and sadness together. 

• Connect gently. Whether through a grief group, a walk with a friend, or quiet time in nature, connection doesn’t have to be loud to be healing. 

• Offer kindness inward. Grief takes energy. Speak to yourself as you would to someone you love. 

Sometimes people say, “I thought I’d be over it by now,” as if grief follows a calendar. It doesn’t. It moves in cycles, and it changes shape over time. The holidays often bring these cycles into sharper focus. Allowing the waves to come and go, rather than fighting them, can help soften their impact. 

If you find this season difficult, try to ground yourself in small, steady acts of care. Step outside for a few breaths of fresh air. Let yourself rest when you are tired. Light a candle and remember that love, even when it hurts, still connects us across time and distance. As we move into winter, may we remember that tending to our hearts is part of the season too. You are not alone in your grief, and healing doesn’t mean forgetting, it means learning to carry love in new ways. 

If you are grieving or would like to learn more about the Irish Pastoral Centre’s grief and bereavement support programs, please reach out to our Health and Wellness team at (617) 265-5300. We would be glad to share information about upcoming groups and ways to connect.